Practicing Being Sad

On Monday I had my last therapy session. It felt a little like the ending of a book or a movie when the protagonist has wrestled with really hard things and through it all, has survived to become a more stable person. There's no guarantee of a happy future, but you're confident that the character will be able to handle whatever comes her way.

A year and a half ago I walked into my therapist's office unsure what to expect. A friend had given me the therapist's name nearly a year before, but I kept putting it off. I knew I had buried a lot of hurt and disguised it pretty well. Like a lot of 20-somethings I hung around, I looked like a composed, mature person well on my way to adulthood with great friends and a stable job.

I fought against the tears nearly every session for the first few months. They ruined my "I'm in control" facade. But I usually left each session an emotional train wreck. In the midst of crying, my counselor noticed something during one of our first sessions. "You're telling me these sad, painful things. But even as you cry, you have a smile on your face."

Really? I thought. I had no idea I was doing this.

She told me to practice having a sad face. I should allow my body to express sadness. Not all the time, of course. But if I felt sad, I could allow myself to physically be sad--tears, frown, shoulders down, snotty nose, all of it. Give yourself permission to be whatever emotion you feel, she said.

That day I did go home and cry, a lot. I had to force my lips not to curl up as I cried. I was used to being reserved emotionally. And when I did cry, I was used to apologizing for being sad. My therapist reminded me each week that I didn't have to prove that I had it all together. I had permission to be sad. I had permission to be hurt.

When I showed up Monday, we didn't plan to have it be my last session, even though the sessions had become less frequent. But as I told her events from the last month, we both realized that as I experienced challenging moments, I knew what I felt and I dealt with the emotion. If there was hurt, I didn't bury it. If something bothered me, I addressed it and moved on.

I left her office and stepped out onto the sidewalk, reflecting a little. I had a lightness in my heart that I hadn't experienced in long time. My life did not become perfect through counseling. My relationships were not magically healed. But I was free. Through practicing being sad, I now knew how to be sad. I knew how to feel.

Thankfully, these days I mostly feel blessed. But when the harder moments in life come, I am now free to experience whatever emotion comes my way without shame, without guilt, and without apology. I walked away down the street, knowing I could emotionally handle the challenges that come in life.