When someone you know is sick

A few days ago I came across an article titled "Things not to say to someone who has cancer". The title alone brought back several memories of my junior year of college when I returned to school after Christmas break. That fall quarter I studied abroad, and two weeks after I returned home, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I had not been on campus for 6 months so few people had seen my health deteriorate.

I had lost a lot of weight and was unable to walk normally because of joint pain. A lot of people were caught off guard. Some looked at me funny, but pretended like nothing had changed. Some made comments about my weight such as "You look good!" or "You need to eat more!". But they didn't ask why I had lost so much weight. Most people I encountered didn't know what to say, so they said nothing at all.

I was hurt by the silence of some, but I was even more hurt and angry at the people that said I was going through this for a reason, or that this was part of God's plan or that I would be better off for having gone through this pain. When they said those things, this is what I heard--"I will feel better about your illness if I can believe your sickness has a silver lining."

In the midst of the intense pain, I saw no silver lining. Some days I couldn't leave my bed. I felt overwhelmed with the idea that this disease would stay with me a lifetime. I felt overwhelmed wondering if I would ever be able to have a regular job, or care for myself financially. I was overwhelmed with my classwork and unsure if I could even remain in school. The last thing I wanted was someone to try to tell me that there was a reason for all this.

The friends that I appreciated the most were the ones who sat with me on my bed. The ones who asked questions about the disease. The ones who mourned with me about the loss of physical health. The ones who brought me cold washcloths to put on my forehead when I had a fever.

To anyone who is wondering what to do or say around people who are sick, I tell you this:
the most important thing is to seek to understand the other person. You likely have no idea what they are going through, even if you have experienced sickness or disease. Never assume that you know what they need. You likely won't know without asking. So ask questions when appropriate. Ask if they want the washcloth. Ask if they need a meal cooked and what kind of meal they would like. Ask if there is an errand you can run for them. Ask if they want someone to go on walk with them. Ask what their fears are. Reach out, be present. Don't be offended if they say no to something you offer. And don't ever, ever pretend to know why they are going through this pain. Yes, there are things we can learn from pain. But the lessons don't come from lectures or trite comments by a passerby who has not sat in the pain.

Their pain isn't about you, so don't make it about you.