“There are things that happen to us, and when they happen, they give us two options. Either way, we will never be the same, and we shouldn’t. These things can either strip us down to the bone and allow us to become strong and honest, or they can be the reasons we use to behave poorly indefinitely, the justification for all manner of broken relationships and broken ideals.”
-Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
One of my favorite essayists wrote this, and it pretty much sums up how I’ve felt about the past year with work and other relationships. With work, I’ve been tempted to succumb to bitterness, to walk away, knowing that people would understand because what I’ve dealt with no one should ever have to deal with. I could have used all manner of crazy expectations as justification for leaving. But each time I am tempted to walk away, there is a small sense that I need to stay. That there is more work to be done. The sense is deeper than just sticking around because I am terrified of finding a new job or change. It’s a small sense that I can’t explain any other way than God guiding my heart, to show me what can really happen when I stop viewing the situation in light of my selfish desires and seeing what can happen when relationships are worked through, when I’m honest with where I am at, and believe at a deep level that no one is above grace. I’m here because of grace and each time I realize how much grace I am given, I can, in very small ways, give grace to others.
As I people pleaser, I find it incredibly hard to be honest with my feelings. I don’t want people to think that I am upset or that I am angry or that I am unhappy. I tend to avoid confrontation when I can easily change my ways or conform to the other person’s expectations of me. But I’ve discovered this year that in being so agreeable, I hurt myself and I miss opportunities for me to grow and for the other person to grow. The truth eventually comes out anyway. And I can choose to address the conflict immediately, or wait for an explosion to happen months down the road.
Being honest can be hard. Those who are proud and fearful often don’t want to hear honesty. Being honest involves risk. But honesty, accompanied by humility, grace and forgiveness, can bring redemption and give us freedom that is not possible when there is bitterness and resentment. I choose honesty because I want freedom. Freedom that only comes from knowing that I really don’t deserve anything and I am only here because of grace.
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